Disappointment

Most people would keep the struggle I am going through to themselves but I find that when I write about my journey it helps people while at the same time gives me a little relief. We were getting really excited this past week. I was a full week late and we were thinking I could be pregnant! Sure enough, this morning at 4am (the same exact time my miscarriage occurred) the my lovely monthly gift showed up! I just sat there for a minute and prayed. Really God? How come you are making this so easy for everyone else but so hard for me? I can honestly say for the first time in this whole journey I got angry with God. I got back in the bed and snuggled really close to Scott. I just needed to feel some kind of comfort. I did not shed one tear. I realized in that moment I had not cried since the day of the miscarriage. I have been bottling it all inside trying to stay strong because that is all I know to do.

Well, after Scott left for work I got real honest with God. And the tears just started pouring. I don't really have words for anyone right now because I truly am in the hardest struggle of my life. I can't begin to explain the doubt or the hurt I am going through. Questions like Will I ever be able to have a baby again? haunt me in my weakest moments.

Today I decided though I was going to give it all to God. Really let him be in control of my life because he is bigger, and greater than any struggle I could ever go through in my life. I prayed this morning that even when the bad thoughts enter my mind and I start to turn weak for him to remind me he has me in his hands.

I don't know the struggle you are going through right now but I do know whatever it may be NOTHING is too BIG for God to handle. Throughout my day today three special people helped me realize how strong I really am. One of my friends told me to go home and make a list of everything I am thankful for in my life. I am including the list so you can see that if I allow Satan to put thoughts in my mind the one BAD thing in my life can trump the 100 great things in my life if I am not careful....


Here is my list
1. I have a God who cherishes me. And I have salvation!
2. I have a wonderful husband who loves me with the greatest unconditional love I could ever ask for.
3. I have a mom who gives me the best advice and let's me be weak & completely honest about how I am feeling. I also have a dad who will do anything in the world for me even go get pedicures with me. I have a sister and step-dad too who absolutely adore me.
4. I have three beautiful sister in laws who love God just as much as I do and who constantly remind me of this weekly.
5. I have the best in-laws a girl could ask for.
6. I have friends who let me cry when I need too and love me even though I have not been my perky self lately.
7. I have a sweet dog Molly who kisses me even when I am hot and sweaty from my runs.
8. I have a house, car, running water, food, and a kitchen aid mixer:)
9. I have two legs that I can use to do my favorite activity in the world: RUNNING!
10. I am going to be a pharmacist in less than a year.
11. I got pregnant without even trying, it was a surprise, I got the feelings of joy of pregnancy for three whole months and I had the opportunity to have the most awesome, smartest doctor in the world for the three months I was pregnant.
12. God is trying to teach me patience.

These are just twelve off of my list of about 58 things. I encourage you to do this when you are feeling down. It helps so much! That is all for today! I hope you have blessed day!