Just Like Mom

I love pulling up in our driveway to find a huge box full of goodies from my mom to decorate for each holiday. Every time I see a box I have to pause for a second and just laugh at myself at how excited I get. I always used to sort of make fun of my mom every time a holiday would roll around. She would make us all participate in decorating & my sister and I would just roll our eyes. She wasn't just into decorating for Christmas it was EVERY single holiday.....New years, Valentines Day, St. Paddy's Day, Easter, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day,Halloween, and Thanksgiving! I used to promise myself I would never go to the extreme of decorating for every holiday and I believe the words "I will never be like my mom" came out of my mouth on more than one occasion. Much to my surprise at almost 25 years old I am almost an exact replica of my mom except I am a few inches shorter! I love to cook (but none of my stuff ever turns out as good as mom makes it) and I decorate for every SINGLE holiday(my friends can atest to this as well as my sweet husband who gets to help me). I am so thankful for my mom sharing her passion with me 25 years ago. She has been the perfect mom & my very best friend! I can not wait to share her passion which is now my passion with my daughters one day hopefully soon! Here are some pictures of my decorations for the 4th:) Hope you enjoy!!

Lovely Poem

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard Him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!

-Author unknown.

The Gift of Friendship

I was reminded tonight how precious a true friendship really is and what a blessing it is from God. Let me go back four months ago....After we had the miscarriage I guess you could say I handled my grief in a way that most people would not have expected not even my husband. I kept to myself at first and did what I knew best...school. I did not want to talk about it because if I talked about it that meant I had to relive it. We miscarried February 4 and that same week our small group started back up. Week by week would go by and I could just not bring myself to go to small group even though I knew that was what small groups were for and even though I missed them so much & loved them dearly. I can't explain what was going on in me...all I knew was I needed time. I didn't know how much time but I knew for some reason I needed to sit at God's feet on my own for a little while & have intimate talks with just him. About a month after the miscarriage I finally was able to talk to Scott about everything. He waited so patiently for me to come to him because he knew on my own time I would be able to process my thoughts & heart. It is a healing process and as I have learned through this process not many people understand that. I have had people tell me I am not dealing with my grief the right way or not handling the situation the way I should. I even had someone in passing tell me how they would have dealt with losing a baby if they were me. And I kind of just laugh at all this. I dealt with losing our baby (including watching a beating heart go to a flat line on a screen) the way my heart and mind could deal with this loss. If you have never been through a loss of a baby it is hard to understand but that is okay... I used to think if I ever were to have a miscarriage I would just accept it as God's plan and that was that. Even though I do accept it as God's plan now it has taken me a while to fully get there. I did not have a game plan to tackle my struggle. The only plan I had was to lean heavily on God. I honestly got up everyday and just prayed that I could make it through the day without crying or without the image of our baby just laying there. And that was a pretty good accomplishment for me...I got up every day and was able to finish pharmacy school with passing grades. I am pretty proud of myself for that! But trust me I did not do it all on my own. I spent so much time in prayer. If I felt myself about to cry or get down during class I would bow my head & pray. I never stopped praying and for that reason I believe God was literally holding my heart & healing it.

Tonight the image of true friendship was illustrated so vividly to me. I went to dinner with my friend Laura and her boyfriend Brent. I love these two so much...they both love the Lord. Laura is one of those friends that you can call and in a drop of a hat she will be there no matter where, when, or how. Throughout this whole process she has been there but has given me my space. She never once judged me or stopped encouraging! It is such a blessing for friends like these. And God could not have been more good to me by putting her in my life. My prayer is that you have this kind of friend in your life. Someone who never judges, loves you unconditionally, is there no matter the circumstance, encourages you, is selfless,willing to wait with you during difficult times, and most importantly loves the Lord.

The song I posted is a song I played over and over again during my prayer time. Hope you like it.

I Lift My Hands

This song describes where I am with my life BUT most importantly this is a reflection of where I should be always...Lifting my hands high no matter what the circumstance in life. Recently, late one night I woke Scott up from his sleep and told him I had given up "trying" for a baby. It was no fun and I had just had enough. I was over OPK, charting, etc. I am lifting my hands to Jesus literally. Giving our struggles to God is the best thing that could happen in a tough situation. There really is nothing we can do to change the situation so why not give it to the man who sent his one and only son to earth that could heal the blind, walk on water, live with no sin here on earth, and so much more. Why not fully trust him that he has got this struggle in his hands and can handle it much better than you could ever on your own? Well the answer to why this is not always easy is because we are selfish humans. We think when things aren't going exactly as planned that God is not doing a very good job so we will just take it into our own hands. Well this thinking gets us in trouble. I encourage you to give whatever you are struggling with to God because there is no better feeling to feel as though your burdens are lifted and ultimately God will provide his perfect plan.

Wait

This really touched me today and I had to share it with all of you. There are so many times in our life where we are sitting in the valley...praying constantly...WAITING for God to answer. As humans we want an answer NOW. Well...like I have said before God is not really into NOW. He designed us completely in his image and knows each and every aspect of our life. That is why he will bless us on HIS time not OUR time. And it is all a part of his perfect plan.

And I can preach this until I am blue in the face BUT the truth is I struggle just as much as you to follow this.

Love this poem!

Wait…

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait”.

“Wait? You say, wait! ” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…. for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want - But you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint;

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;

You’d know that I give and I save…. (for a start),

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that “My grace is sufficient for Thee.”

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,

But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, “WAIT.”

Author Unknown

Happy One Year to Us!

Picture Perfect...Well I would like to think so. I married a man who literally does not ever take a bad picture. Its a great thing for him but not so good for me:)

All joking aside I wanted to write to reflect on this past year. Best year of my life for sure...Was it all that I expected the first year of marriage to be?? Nope not at all. I will be honest May 15, 2010 was one of the best days of my life thus far but no one could prepare me for our first year of marriage. I remember after our wedding getting back to our hotel and sitting in the bathroom crying. Why was I crying after a picture perfect fairytale wedding to my handsome husband and best friend you ask? Well, I guess reality hit me...no more wedding planning, no more mom and dad to fall back on, etc. etc. Now I was actually married...Now I was actually a wife.

We went on our wonderful honeymoon and spent a week in paradise. Then as soon as we got back reality hit hard and fast. Back to work for us both. I started off pretty darn well. I cooked dinner every night, cleaned the house, did the dishes, did the laundry BUT that lasted about a month & then life got the best of me.

One month into marriage we decided to get a puppy! She is such a blessing BUT some words of advice: Don't get a puppy your first year of marriage!!! We love her dearly and would not trade her for anything! We had a hard enough time getting used to the MESS we made and it made it even harder having a little puppy to clean up after as well! AND I guess when your puppy is a spitting image of Marley from Marley & Me it makes it a little more difficult! She was such a rascal but at the end of the day we loved her unconditionally AND her kisses made it all worth while!

Then in August I started back school. And from there my wife abilities went very down hill. I could not keep up! I mean I could handle my laundry, my dishes, cooking myself dinner...but no one ever warned me that men wear 3 outfits a day and they eat so much more than women do!!

September rolled around and we realized very fast that having just one income was not so fun. We always promised each other we would never fight about money...Well, that did not last too long! All it took was one big fight over money and we realized how silly we were being! We weren't about to let money get in between us so we fixed that real fast! Ever since that ONE fight over money it has not happened again! We realized God was never going to let us go without as long as we trusted in him. So rather than argue about the money we didn't have we just found it much easier and much more peaceful to trust God!

November came around and we finally had it all figured out. We divided up chores, cooking dinner, and learned how to really budget well. Life was good! We even put together our first Christmas Card! and managed to get our wild doggie in a few shots!I remember thinking why does everyone always say the first year of marriage is the hardest? This hasn't been too bad...

December 16,2010....we found out we were pregnant! And boy was it the surprise of our life. As many of you know it took me a while to get used to this idea. We were living on a pretty tight budget already. I was stressed... how can we provide for a little sweet baby?

January 2011...We were on cloud nine! Pregnant and God was providing abundantly opening so many doors financially and spiritually...Life was fun! We were no longer strapped financially! We started the baby's nursery because we could not resist!

February 4, 2011 Our sweet baby went to be with Jesus! Literally the worst day of my life. I remember being on the phone with my sister in law sunken into the floor board of my car on my knees praying as I waited for Scott to fill out all the paper work at the doctor's office. I felt so helpless. I remember our lifeless little baby laying there with a flat line heartbeat. Oh how I wish these images out of my head daily but I know it takes time for my heart to fully heal...Never in a million years did we think we would have been dealt this kind of struggle our first year of marriage. I remember praying...Really God, we aren't equipped for this kind of struggle in our marriage yet..And God answered oh yes you are..."I don't give you anything you can't handle"

March 2011...Scott and I took a LONG road trip to Florida for my spring break. A much needed break from the stress of losing a baby. We had a blast! I even took my first trip to a Casino where I proceeded to lose twice as much as I brought in. Moral of story...Don't let me gamble! Scott also took on a huge project and re-did our whole kitchen on his own.

April 2011...Scott and I learned how to lean on each other fully. This month was a tough month for us but we made it through! I finally finished the academic part of my pharmacy school! I received my pin and now I am about to start my rotations here on Monday!

And here we are May 2011 on our first year anniversary!! So exciting!! We made it!

This year has been filled with so much joy, laughter, love, struggle, heartache, etc. Through it all though two things stayed constant our love for one another and our God. I learned very fast that the man being the spiritual leader did not mean that Scott had to lead me ALL the time. Yes, he did his best to do that but at times he was weak and needed me. And at the end of the day we both needed to be growing towards God in order to grow towards each other.

Prayer..Prayer..Prayer is the answer!! We have spent a lot of time together and a part praying throughout this first year of marriage. If there was ever anything we did not feel at peace about we prayed about it.

Prepare to struggle! I am guilty of this! After May 15,2010 (our wedding day) I thought marriage was supposed to be FUN and GAMES all the time. HAH! I was wrong. There is always going to be obstacles and as a couple you have to be ready to tackle them TOGETHER with GOD.

I still to this day have to pinch myself and thank God for the man he has given me to love me! And I have the biggest joy of loving him back. He gets me every time with his dark brown eyes, tanned skin, and big heart. No..everyday is not perfect..but life is never perfect. Our love is fun, complicated at times, full of laughter, unconditional AND that in of itself is perfect enough for me. Happy Anniversary to my sweetheart! Can't wait for at least 60 more!

I included our wedding video's if you want to see:
http://apolloproductionsvideo.com/LaurenAndScott/

In God's Time

First of all I have found time tonight to write because my sweet husband has made me promise that three night this week I would let him watch his Miami Heat play the Celtics. Begrudgingly I said yes the first night but then realized it really wasn't that big of a deal since I am so wiped out from the beach every evening. Driving back to our hotel last night from Charleston this song came on the radio. I had just received a text from another friend that she was pregnant! Of course I was super duper excited for her but then I found myself asking God when was it going to happen for us again!? This song explains God's answer to me so well. He will provide his blessing in his time NOT my time. I was then reassured of this thought this morning when one of my good friends called me. I have realized throughout this process of the miscarriage the blessings of true friendships that god has given me and how thankful I am that these friends understand that this is a process and have been there when I needed them but have given me the space I have needed as well. I am a heal it now, fix it now kind of person. I don't like things lingering over my head. With healing though I have realized it is okay that it is taking me time to get through everything and sort it all out in my heart. I also have been blessed to have people who have been through the same PROCESS and can share the other end of the story to help me through. My friend today told me to read Ephesians 6:11 The Armor of God. At first I kind of rolled my eyes because I have heard that verse a million times! But I read it anyways and oh my goodness did it take on a total different meaning in my life.

I posted an excerpt from a devotional I found and I thought it was pretty remarkable:

"Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

The first element of our armor is the Belt of Truth. How wonderful would it be if we actually secured this around our waist, wrapping ourselves with God's promises in our daily lives? God considers deception to be an abomination. In Proverbs 6, He tells us that a “lying tongue” is detestable to Him. We are therefore exhorted to "put on truth" for our own sanctification and deliverance, as well as for the benefit of those to whom we witness. What would happen if we just decided to do this... to speak only truthful words to ourselves and others, and to secure our position in the truthful promises of our King rather than believe the lies of the enemy? We would be free indeed! Freedom to look at ourselves, our future, our capabilities, our existence in an entirely new way. This is not news to be put aside or forgotten. This is all part of the GOOD NEWS that must be told and re-told... studied and memorized... sought after and lived every single day - for all eternity!

As Christians, we must be confident in what God has promised to us. His truth assures us that God is good. We are royalty and children of the King of Kings. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. True beauty is a reflection of who we are in Jesus because all things become new and perfect in Him. There is no greater love than the love of our Father in Heaven. The Lord will provide and take care of us because He treasures us over all other creation. We were lost but are now found. And most importantly.... nothing.... NOTHING can separate us from the love of our Father!!!

Ladies, secure that belt and believe these promises. Put your whole trust in the ONE who is faithful, constant, righteous and holy. No matter what happens in your life - remember that those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their Savior have been redeemed and belong only to God. Satan does not have ANY authority over us! So, measure and evaluate what comes your way by these guidelines: (1) Everything that is good is from God and is TRUE; (2) Everything that is not good is of the devil and is a LIE. (3) If you find yourself in a situation that is not good - WAKE UP, GIVE IT TO GOD, AND TRUST YOUR KING! (4) If you feel yourself reverting to old belief systems that tear you down - WAKE UP, GIVE IT TO GOD, AND TRUST YOUR KING! (5) No matter how many issues Satan throws your way with the intent to convince you that you are "less" or that God is unfaithful... DO NOT BELIEVE SATAN'S LIES! WAKE UP! GIVE IT TO GOD! TRUST YOUR KING!

Tighten that belt strap and BELIEVE THE PROMISES OF YOUR KING!

Now think of the Breastplate of Righteousness mentioned in Ephesians 6. This is our uniform, our badge of power and authority. If we were just some random person trying to direct traffic in the street, it is likely that many commuters would ignore our direction and just drive on by. However, once we put on the police uniform our claim to authority changes. Why? Because now we are displaying a power and authority that is bigger than our own. The same is true against Satan. Without God's authority backing us, Satan will run over people like a semi-truck. However, for those of us who believe in Jesus and have accepted Him as Savior, we can dress ourselves in the authority and power that He holds. We wear the uniform that is covered by the Blood of the Lamb... the standard for all that is holy and upright. Since we have chosen to live under His authority, we are protected by His authority.

It is very important to understand that our commitment for righteousness must be modeled after Christ. It is a daily sacrifice and ongoing devotion to seek out and follow Jesus' example in striving to live a sinless and holy life. To do this, we must daily put aside our selfish desires and instead clothe ourselves with His power and authority. We must not overlook that the breastplate is intended to protect our vital organs while in battle. With the protective boundaries it provides, our hearts are able to enjoy our Almighty Father's love without fear of being wounded. Our lungs are able to breathe in our Comforter's peace without gasping or being suffocated. Our stomachs are able to digest God's Word without the gall of being exasperated.

The Bible says in Matthew 5:6, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

Ladies, we must hunger and thirst for righteousness the same way we look for food to nourish our bodies every day. It must be a regular part of our daily routine to seek out Christ and follow His example. To be full, and to hold authority against the devil, we must clothe ourselves in the righteous and purifying blood of Jesus! We must represent Him and not ourselves. In Christ, we represent the authority of God Almighty. By His Holy Name we are covered!!!

This devotional was taken from The Devoted Woman which is a Christian Women's Network committed to encourage and pray for one another to walk daily in fellowship with Jesus Christ. I encourage you to visit their blog at http://thedevotedwomanfreshflowers.blogspot.com. It is pretty awesome:)

Mother's Day

Tonight I write a little heavy heartedly as my sweet husband sleeps next to me. We are away on our ONE year anniversary trip! Yes we made it through what many claim to be the hardest year...Wahoo! To be honest this year was such a wonderful year for us full of laughter, blessings, and just plain fun! I have every reason in the world to be so happy and trust me I am! But as this Mother's Day rolled around I knew I would wake up with an even greater emptiness this morning than I have felt these past three months. See... we planned this anniversary trip around the Baby. We knew I wasn't allowed to travel far so we picked somewhere close but somewhere we both loved. The original plan was to go to Ireland but that got quickly kicked out the door the moment we knew we were expecting. As I woke up this morning at 6am (ugh!) I sat and read my Bible for a little while until Scott got up. He knew today would be hard for me without us even having to talk about it. So he planned a day around things I love to do. We went on a 8 mile walk/run, made homemade fajitas, laid by the ocean for a very long time and got sunned, went to a very nice restaurant where I proceeded to order the most expensive thing on the menu, went to see the movie Something Borrowed, and came back to the Condo just in time for what he considers my bedtime(9:30 haha I am such an old lady). So even though I am not celebrating this Mother's Day as a mommy like originally planned...I got to spend this day with my sweetheart and the man I love more than anything in the world. And that in of itself is a reason to dance around and shout for joy!

As I was reading my Bible today I kept on coming back to this one verse. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. During this time while Scott and I are walking through God's valley I cling to this because one thing is for sure and that is God has never let me down. His plan always ends up being awesome! Even when I have to wait for it...I always look back in awe of the way God works.

Have a good night! and Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's! Especially my sweet mom...I hope one day I can be at least half the mom you have been to me.

Who Am I?

I am a wife, daughter, and mother(to a sweet angel in heaven). I am a runner, soon to be Pharmacist, coffee lover, animal lover, and friend. As I was sitting here yesterday feeling a little troubled as I dread every 4th of the month since the miscarriage happened Feb 4 I turned on a sermon I had missed from 12 stone Easter Sunday titled Who Am I? I realized I am so many things but most importantly I am a FOLLOWER of Jesus Christ. My husband doesn't define me, neither does my miscarriage, or becoming a pharmacist. The one thing that defines me most and my heart is that I have Jesus in my heart. I have to be completely honest and this is the total truth. As today marks 3 months since the miscarriage the ONE and ONLY constant thing that has gotten me through both the sad and the happy days is knowing that I have a God who gave his one and only son to die for my sins and who ever believes in him will not perish and have eternal life. He bled for me, suffered for me, and took the burden for all my sins. God never promised me this life would be easy BUT he did promise that he would never leave my side and he also promised if I trusted him with my life & believed in him I would have eternal life. His presence and love over me these past few months has been the ONLY thing that has carried me through. Yes, my friends, family, and husband have been more than wonderful. But they don't know the plan for me life...they can pretend like they know I will have a baby again one day...they can offer words of wisdom BUT only God knows the plan for my life. God isn't just going to say he loves me...He is going to prove it. And at the end of the day God will listen to the desires of my heart and I believe one day he will give me a baby. We all have to be patient in life to see his plan. His blessings don't always happen over night...but when the blessings do come...they will knock you off your feet time and time again. Do you think medicine is the sole force that cures cancer or terminal illness? Do you think time only heals a broken heart? The answer is NO! God performs these miracles. And yes it is too big for us to even fathom BUT nothing in life is ever to big for God.