I love sunny days! If you just give me a nice rocking chair and some sunlight I can be content for hours. Well, Saturday was an unusual day here in Georgia but nonetheless it was beautiful! I got to spend most of the day with one of my friends studying at Panera. The company was great, the sun was beaming, the only thing putting a damper on my day was the Infectious Disease notes sitting in my lap. Since I did not do so great on the past test I was under a lot of stress to do well on this next test. As we were reading through our notes I kept on finding myself not relying and trusting God. I was sitting there giving my friend advice on our study breaks about how God always provides yet I was sitting there worrying if I was going to be able to pass a class or not. As I drove back home that day I realized I felt a little funny. Half of me was feeling a little burned whereas the other half of me was still ghost white. When I finally got home to look in the mirror I realized I had the worst farmers tan in the history of the world! I had my new cute boy shorts on and a 3/4 length shirt. Literally, I was burned on the left side of my body and the right side looked like it had not seen the sun in years. I just stood there and laughed at myself & then I realized God was trying to speak to me! And then it was all put into perspective for me!
It goes something like this! If we only trust God with half our heart then his light will only shine on half of our lives. I truly believe that on Saturday he was listening to my struggles and wanted to shine light into my world BUT since I was so consumed by stress he could only shine on half of me. We have to let him in to our hearts FULLY and he will do marvelous things. The song that comes to mind when I think about God's revelation to me is If you Want me To. I encourage you to listen. It speaks so much truth. I posted it in the post below!
Oh by the way, I didn't do as well as I wanted on my test BUT I did good enough! I just had to listen to God. He had this the whole time, I just had to do my part by studying and he had the rest.
2 little ones plus my hubby & I = 1 big happy family just trying to do life all while loving our God fully each and every day!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
15 years.....
Today is my mom and step-dads 15 year wedding anniversary! I can not believe how fast the years have gone by. I come from a divorced family but thankfully my situation was made the best possible for me. I guess you could say I got the best of both worlds. My mom and my step-dad married when I was 10 years old & I was so grateful because I got to have two dads. I always hated being an only child as well so when my mom told me she was having a baby I was forever grateful. I then gained a sister named Madison:)
Reading my bible this afternoon I kept trying to ask God what he wanted me to write today. Then he made it perfectly clear to me. It seems like yesterday that I was 10 years old preparing for my mom to get married and then in an instant I am about to turn 25 years old and now I am married. When I reflect on these past 15 years it saddens me to think of where the days have gone. Did I spend them right? And most importantly did I spend them for Jesus?
If I really sit down and think about where the time has gone it all boils down to the fact that we live in a materialistic, fast paced world. We go out and get that brand new car or brand new house and before we can blink our eyes we are on to the next best thing. We fulfill our needs with all of our material wants rather than spiritual needs. We spend so much time thinking about ourselves and what is going to benefit "ME" rather than living life unselfishly for God. I see this so much especially in my age group. People are getting married and want these huge, lavish weddings when in reality they are missing the point that all that matters is at the end of the day they are marrying their best friend.(I am guilty of this a bit but I am so thankful that I realized this way before my wedding day and appreciated my marriage to Scott so much more than the actual day itself) This is why we see so much divorce with our generation; people are caught up in the "things" of a marriage rather than the "relationship" of the marriage.
Nowadays when people graduate college they want the biggest house they can possibly afford and brand new cars parked in their garage. They don't for one minute stop and think of the consequences that lavish lifestyle will lead 10 years down the road when they have little ones running around or an opportunity to serve God in someway. Most importantly, since we live in this fast paced world people can not even find time for God anymore. When will we wake up as a society and realize it is not the "stuff" in life that matters most, it is our relationship with God and our relationships with others? And until we wake up and realize this our life will just keep on flying by.
Never get so busy and so much stuff that you don't have time for God. Because to be completely honest when you get to heaven the house you lived in, the car you drove, the wedding you and your husband had, the clothes you wore WILL NOT matter. What will matter is how you lived unselfishly for God on this earth. Slow down a little bit and soak in every moment of everyday that God has given to you. He loves you enough to wait on you but don't get so wrapped up that you just fly right on past his perfect will. Listen to him because he provides the BEST life you can possibly live.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Hillsong - You Hold Me Now - Faith+Hope+Love - With Subtitles
I have to tell you this week started off pretty bad on Monday. I had a test on Monday that I studied all weekend and last week for. I knew when I walked out of the test I did not do well. I found myself fighting back the tears until finally one of my good friends just let me cry. I was convinced I got a 30 on the test but sure enough I ended up passing but BARELY. For me this is so hard. I have never almost failed a test in my life. After class that day I went to talk to my teacher. Much to my surprise she told me how proud of me she was for even being there taking tests already and she said I amazed her because I did not quit school when life handed me adversity. Little did she know how bad I really do want to just quit. Thank Jesus for my faith because if it wasn't for him I would not be able to do it all. After I left her office I walked to another one of my professor's office to just sit and cry more. I had not REALLY cried since the Sunday after the miscarriage and boy did it feel good to let it out. This particular professor is a man of faith and through this whole process he and his wife have been so supportive. He just reassured me I wasn't going to fail and everything would work out. God had his hands on me. As I got in my car that day I realized how many people love Scott and I. People have come out of the woodwork to offer advice and love on us. I am the type of person who wears my heart and my faith on my sleeve. If you know two things about me; 1)I love God and 2)I love people. Unfortunately, lately I haven't been my cheerful self every day so my love for people has not been so evident. Thankfully, God knows that and he has sent more and more people to love on Scott and I than I could have ever imagined. I am the type of person that would talk to a tree about anything and everything if it would talk back. 1 Peter 3:15 says "In your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have in your heart. But do this with gentleness and respect." As I read this last night I was reminded that some of you might wonder where I get all the hope in my heart. Let me just tell you that my hope comes from God and God alone. I know he loves me so much and that he will listen to the desires of my heart. It might not be on my time but it will be on his time & when he feels the time is right. Scott and I have so much love to give. God knows that. We love children so much. If I could have it my way I would probably build a huge house and fill it with tons of children(both adopted and of our own). I know though that my way is not God's way. He knows I love children and someday I know he will provide them to me one way or the other. In the end of the song that I posted it says three things remain Faith, Hope, and Love; and the greatest of these is love. This is so true. Remember that as you go about your days. The best thing you can do for someone is love on them and that alone could bring them closer to Jesus:)
Friday, February 18, 2011
2 weeks....
Today was two weeks since we miscarried our sweet little baby. Even though it was a hard day, I am getting such a peace in my heart. I got home around 1:00 and just crawled in my bed with my Bible. I knew I had two choices 1)to lay there and be depressed or 2)get on my knees and pray for some sort of peace. As I closed my eyes, I was reminded of May 15, 2010, the day I married my sweetheart. It had been a while since I had watched our whole wedding video so I decided to get the DVD out, put on my favorite PINK sweatpants that Scott hates and put the DVD in the DVD player and watch one of the best days of our lives all over again. When I was a little girl I dreamed of my wedding day. I remember playing dress up with my friend Brigitte. This was a daily thing for us. We would dress up as princesses and get out all of our barbies to prepare a huge wedding for barbie and ken. On May 15 when I slipped on that wedding dress for just one minute I felt the little girl come out of me again. For one minute I was able to have that child like faith where nothing in the room would get to me. And for just one day Scott and I were the only things that mattered and I got to be a princess again. The one thing I love most about this day was our vows. We had always said since the moment that we started talking about getting married that we would want to write our true feelings to eachother in our vows. Rewatching it today reminded me of how unselfishly Scott loves me and how lucky I am to have someone who puts my needs before his own. I have never been perfect and I have made lots of mistakes BUT the one thing that I can say I did perfectly in my life was say YES to the man God had been preparing for me all along. Well, today when I needed him most Scott came through the door and crawled in the bed with me. By this time the wedding video was over but for four hours we just laid in bed talking and laughing & most importantly all of my troubles & worries were gone. Tonight I have decided I can't just sit here and feel bad anymore. I have got to keep going because God has an awesome plan for Scott and I. And the most awesome part is his plan is a mystery to me and there is nothing I can do to figure it out. I know God wants me to be a mommy someday. If I could have it my way I would get pregnant tomorrow but I know in time God will provide & the more I wait on him the more I will trust him. And the more I trust him the better my life will be. Below is the link to our wedding video highlights. I hope you enjoy watching them as much as I enjoy them!
http://apolloproductionsvideo.com/LaurenAndScott/
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Adversity- Burden or Bridge?
I am a huge Stanley Family Fan! This is from Charles Stanley sermon series. It was good to be reminded of this today. I am sorry if my blog has been kind of depressing lately. I hope very soon I can be back to the smiling me all the time.
Adversity—Burden or Bridge?
Memory Verse: 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
I. Introduction: Adversity touches everyone sooner or later. Some believers crumble under the pressure of difficult times. They become so bitter and resentful towards God that they walk away from His calling on their lives. They might even resort to addictive behaviors in an attempt to escape pain. Others face similar challenges but have a totally different reaction. Instead of weakening them, trials make them stronger because they learn to depend more fully on the power of the Holy Spirit. Adversity can be either an overwhelming burden or a bridge to deeper relationship with God.
II. A Burden or a Bridge?
A. We can see tough times as a burden or a bridge.
1. A burden, spiritually speaking, is a heaviness that weighs us. We may feel weary or discouraged, without joy and peace.
2. A bridge, in contrast, is a way to rise above the difficulty and develop a deeper, more intimate relationship with God.
B. Two verses are the foundation of this bridge to greater intimacy with the Lord.
1. Psalm 103:19: “The Lord has established His throne in the heavens, and His sovereignty rules over all.”
2. Romans 8:28: “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
III. Adversity as a Bridge in the Life of Paul
The life of Paul is one of the best examples of how adversity can act as a bridge to a closer relationship with God. Without the supernatural revelations the Lord gave him, we would have far less insight into living the day-to-day Christian life. But his closeness to the Father came only as the result of severe personal loss and hardship (Phil. 3:8,10). Through difficulty, he learned:
A. Contentment is possible in the midst of adversity. The apostle explained: “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am” (Phil. 4:11).
B. God provides supernatural strength in our weakness. Paul’s limitations allowed the Holy Spirit’s power to work through his life (2 Cor. 12:9-10).
C. The Lord is the source for all our needs. When we fully rely on the Father, we can count on His provision (Phil. 4:19).
D. We can trust in the Lord’s faithfulness. Paul had learned to depend on the Lord to carry him through any trial (1 Cor. 10:13).
E. The Father values service more than our desires. Instead of satisfying Paul’s natural inclination toward comfort and ease, God sent adversity to prepare him for greater service (2 Cor. 12:7). The Lord prioritizes character development over comfort.
F. In difficult times, God will give us strength to proclaim the truth. Because Paul was imprisoned, the entire Praetorian guard heard the gospel (Phil. 1:13-15). The more adversity we face, the more effective our message will be to others.
G. We can treat everything as if it comes from God. The Lord uses all we experience, even the wrongs of others, for His purposes in our lives. If we can embrace the circumstances that come our way as an opportunity to grow, it prevents our trials from making us resentful.
H. We learn more about the Lord through trials. Suffering often is the stimulus to greater closeness with God.
I. Adversity prepares us to comfort others more effectively. From God‘s viewpoint, suffering prepares us to minister to others (2 Cor. 1:3-8).
J. God has a specific purpose for allowing adversity. Paul’s thorn was designed to keep him humble and dependent on God, despite the astounding spiritual revelations he had been given (2 Cor. 12:7).
K. We are to know joy in the midst of adversity. In Philippians 4:4, the apostle wrote, “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!”
IV. Conclusion:
Most likely, you are experiencing some degree of adversity today. You can try to handle it using your own resources, or you can choose to see it as a path to deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. If you are a believer, the awesome power of the Holy Spirit is available to equip, transform, and carry you through any suffering. The bridge of adversity can take you to a place of indescribable closeness with the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Adversity—Burden or Bridge?
Memory Verse: 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
I. Introduction: Adversity touches everyone sooner or later. Some believers crumble under the pressure of difficult times. They become so bitter and resentful towards God that they walk away from His calling on their lives. They might even resort to addictive behaviors in an attempt to escape pain. Others face similar challenges but have a totally different reaction. Instead of weakening them, trials make them stronger because they learn to depend more fully on the power of the Holy Spirit. Adversity can be either an overwhelming burden or a bridge to deeper relationship with God.
II. A Burden or a Bridge?
A. We can see tough times as a burden or a bridge.
1. A burden, spiritually speaking, is a heaviness that weighs us. We may feel weary or discouraged, without joy and peace.
2. A bridge, in contrast, is a way to rise above the difficulty and develop a deeper, more intimate relationship with God.
B. Two verses are the foundation of this bridge to greater intimacy with the Lord.
1. Psalm 103:19: “The Lord has established His throne in the heavens, and His sovereignty rules over all.”
2. Romans 8:28: “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
III. Adversity as a Bridge in the Life of Paul
The life of Paul is one of the best examples of how adversity can act as a bridge to a closer relationship with God. Without the supernatural revelations the Lord gave him, we would have far less insight into living the day-to-day Christian life. But his closeness to the Father came only as the result of severe personal loss and hardship (Phil. 3:8,10). Through difficulty, he learned:
A. Contentment is possible in the midst of adversity. The apostle explained: “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am” (Phil. 4:11).
B. God provides supernatural strength in our weakness. Paul’s limitations allowed the Holy Spirit’s power to work through his life (2 Cor. 12:9-10).
C. The Lord is the source for all our needs. When we fully rely on the Father, we can count on His provision (Phil. 4:19).
D. We can trust in the Lord’s faithfulness. Paul had learned to depend on the Lord to carry him through any trial (1 Cor. 10:13).
E. The Father values service more than our desires. Instead of satisfying Paul’s natural inclination toward comfort and ease, God sent adversity to prepare him for greater service (2 Cor. 12:7). The Lord prioritizes character development over comfort.
F. In difficult times, God will give us strength to proclaim the truth. Because Paul was imprisoned, the entire Praetorian guard heard the gospel (Phil. 1:13-15). The more adversity we face, the more effective our message will be to others.
G. We can treat everything as if it comes from God. The Lord uses all we experience, even the wrongs of others, for His purposes in our lives. If we can embrace the circumstances that come our way as an opportunity to grow, it prevents our trials from making us resentful.
H. We learn more about the Lord through trials. Suffering often is the stimulus to greater closeness with God.
I. Adversity prepares us to comfort others more effectively. From God‘s viewpoint, suffering prepares us to minister to others (2 Cor. 1:3-8).
J. God has a specific purpose for allowing adversity. Paul’s thorn was designed to keep him humble and dependent on God, despite the astounding spiritual revelations he had been given (2 Cor. 12:7).
K. We are to know joy in the midst of adversity. In Philippians 4:4, the apostle wrote, “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!”
IV. Conclusion:
Most likely, you are experiencing some degree of adversity today. You can try to handle it using your own resources, or you can choose to see it as a path to deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. If you are a believer, the awesome power of the Holy Spirit is available to equip, transform, and carry you through any suffering. The bridge of adversity can take you to a place of indescribable closeness with the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Chasing the One's We Love
I LOVE running! If you know me well you know that if I do not get a run in before 10am you probably should not talk to me the rest of the day! haha. It is the only hobby I have and the only thing that relieves stress for me. Today Scott and I went for a run in this beautiful 60 degree weather. It was amazing.
When Scott and I first started dating we started running 7-10 miles everyday together. I would always leave him around mile 4 because I wanted to go faster and get a better run in. (I was so selfish!) BUT I would always run back for him and finish with him. We loved our runs together! Well over the past year we have gotten out of the habit because we have gotten so busy. We decided this week that we will take an hour each day to go run and boy has it been wonderful!
When I was in high school I was blessed to be on one of the best cross country teams in the country. We had a great coach who pushed us to a point where when we didn't believe in ourselves we would go faster because we knew he believed in us. I was even more blessed to be a part of a team where before every race we stood in a circle and said a prayer. We all loved each other so much. The best part about cross country is it is not only a team sport but it is also individual. If you were in the top 7 runners on varsity you didn't really have a chance to have a bad running day because it effected the whole team. A race that sticks out in my mind is Regionals 2003. I remember two of our top runners both did not feel well. They started the race strong but as they reached mile 2 they began to give out. In this race I was the #7 runner for our team. I remember passing one of them and encouraging them that they could do it. I knew then I had to pick it up in order for our team to get to states. Then I passed the second girl. At that point I knew I had to dig deep and find more strength to pick it up. I don't know how I did it but somewhere in me I had a lot left. I believe I ran that last mile in 6 minutes. I ended up finishing 15 out of 120 runners I believe. We as a team should have won regionals that day but we didn't. It was a humbling experience but because we all picked it up a little bit we got 2nd place and moved onto states. Then the next weekend those girls that had a bad week at Regionals led us to a placing in states while I had a really bad race.
I was reminded of this today on our run. Scott was struggling to make it through the last mile. Part of me wanted to run off and leave him BUT something in me has changed from 3 years ago. I decided to stay and get behind him encouraging him that he could do it. It was amazing he started running faster. When we got to the last .1 mile I told him he better beat me to the finish line and I took off in a sprint. I am sure he hated me for that but I wanted him to see that if you dig deep you actually have more than you think. Since his legs are A LOT longer than mine he beat me:)
My point is that sometimes we need to get behind the ones we love and chase them to the finish line in life. We need to encourage them and remind them they can do anything they put their mind to. If we are just "running" alone with no one pushing us we are more likely to quit. I know when Scott crossed the finish line he felt so good about himself because 1. he beat his wife in running (this never happens)and 2. he accomplished something he didn't think he could do. Sometimes we just need a little help from the ones we love.
Monday, February 14, 2011
It's A Love Day
My Sweet Valentine is above: How could anyone not love that face?
There are so many things I love about Valentines Day. Pink, candy hearts, chocolate, etc. BUT contrary to popular belief I am not a fan of the actual valentines day. From the very beginning when Scott and I started dating I told him I didn't need February 14 to be the day that he sends me flowers or express his love for me. I just would rather have little acts of kindness randomly throughout the year.
For this year though, and just this year only we went all out. With all the sadness in our lives right now we decided it would be good for us to splurge just a little. Scott loves to surprise me. He always is leaving me things here and there & doing things around the house to make my life easier. Saturday morning I got back from a run(very sweaty might I add) and went to take a shower. When I went in the bathroom there was a Shane Co. box and a sweet red card. Inside the Shane Co. box were brand new real pearl earrings! I was so excited. If you know me well you know that the only earrings I ever wear are pearls. In all the hoopla at the hospital of changing into hospital gowns my favorite pearl earrings fell out and never were found. I was so sad! But of course my sweet husband fixed that quickly!
That evening we went to Seasons 52, my absolute favorite restaurant. Again if you know me well you know I eat healthy. VERY HEALTHY:) Seasons 52 has a menu where nothing on the menu is more than 450 calories. For Scott, this was not so fun! He is more of a meat and potatoes kind of guy. Whereas I am an all organic, low calorie, low fat kind of girl. But of course he surprised me by taking me there to make me happy! Then after dinner we headed on over to Cheesecake Factory to get two huge pieces of cheescake! They were yummy! While we were out to dinner Scott put another jewelry box on the table. This time when I opened I found a diamond pearl necklace to match my beautiful pearl earrings! I was so surprised and for just a little while our minds were taken off of the sadness around us right now.
Now most of you are thinking well that was nice of Scott! But what did Lauren do for him!? Let me just tell you my husband is hard to surprise as well as hard to shop for. He doesn't ever want anything, EVER. He always says I have everything I need. I have been wanting for quite sometime to get him new nice sunglasses. So that is just what I did for Valentines Day! AND to top it off I picked him out a perfect pair of new Ray Bans!
It was a Perfect Valentines Night for us. I truly feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be married to Scott. He is everything I have ever dreamed of and his strength & courage amazes me more and more everyday. Even in times of adversity he stands strong in his faith and does not fear this world we are living in. He is not a worldly person at all. At times when I am dreaming of a bigger house, nicer car; he reminds me I need to be content with the here and now. He is happy with our life just the way it is adversity and all. He loves me unconditionally and shows me this daily through his words and actions. I always knew growing up I wanted a husband that loved me like 1 Corinthians 13 and thank you Jesus for giving him to me! Last weekend when we were laying in the hospital room I turned to Scott and squeezed his hand. Of course we missed our baby so much but in that moment we were reminded of our love for each other and God's love for us. So instead of just celebrating Valentines Day on Feb 14 let's celebrate Love Day everyday!
I encourage you to love on those close to you and really show them how much they mean to you.
1 Corinthians 13
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
God amazes me
Real quick post:
Normally on an average post our blog gets read by about 25 people which is awesome! BUT when we wrote about losing our baby our blog got read 402 times. It isn't about the number at all but what is so awesome is that people in India, Australia, Peru, Russia, Netherlands, Canada etc. were reading our blog too! I can't tell who is reading it I just get to see a number and what country. Our desire was that we would bring someone closer to God through our story and I believe that if God allowed 402 people to read our blog at least 1 person was drawn closer to Jesus. I stand amazed today. God you are awesome!
Normally on an average post our blog gets read by about 25 people which is awesome! BUT when we wrote about losing our baby our blog got read 402 times. It isn't about the number at all but what is so awesome is that people in India, Australia, Peru, Russia, Netherlands, Canada etc. were reading our blog too! I can't tell who is reading it I just get to see a number and what country. Our desire was that we would bring someone closer to God through our story and I believe that if God allowed 402 people to read our blog at least 1 person was drawn closer to Jesus. I stand amazed today. God you are awesome!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
While I'm Waiting
Over the past few days my phone and email have been flooded with encouragement and loving words. We have received more cards in the mail then I think I have ever received for any occasion in my life. Normally, people just sign them with there name but for this particular time everyone is writing us wonderful notes and some even letters. Yes, our world has been completely shaken. The best part is though that even though life is hard right now everything around us is being glorified in Jesus's name.
As I rolled out of bed this morning I peeked out the window to see the grass covered in snow. The roads were fine though, still drivable which I love. I went outside and just stood in the snow for a few minutes. It was still dark but as I closed my eyes and breathed in the air God has given me; God reminded me just as the snow is white and pure so is his love for me.
Then later on in the day the sun came out and the clouds were white and fluffy. It was so refreshing to have the heat beam down on my face. The picture below is what today reminded me of. My friend Mary Anne Morgan took this picture the day after our miscarriage and wrote about us on her blog. It displays that even in darkness God can still shine the light.
Ahh, that picture is so refreshing for me. For me the light in that picture is God and my husband. God has been working on my heart ever since last Friday. Mending me, rebreaking me, loving me etc. He has brought me comfort in every up and down emotion I have felt. My husband on the other hand has answered every question I have with love and compassion never once getting frustrated with me. Scott and I are so in love now more than ever. We have always loved each other so much but it is amazing how adversity brings you even closer together. He never left my side at the hospital except for when I went to surgery. The night we spent the night he sat next to my bed holding my hand all night long not sleeping once.
Tomorrow is one week since the miscarriage. It has gone by so fast yet so slow. I can't wait to see God's plan for our life and all he has in store for me.
Right now my fear is that I won't be able to get pregnant again. I know that fear comes from Satan and it is not from God. I know God knows the desires of my heart and will one day bless me. It is so easy to get caught up in the right here right now mindset. Waiting is the hardest part. For now we will pray, love on everyone around us, and wait for when God decides to give us a precious baby again.
I know that Baby Urbizo #1 (we decided not to give it a name) is in heaven watching down on us. It is kind of comforting knowing that a baby given to us from God is an angel looking down on our lives. In light of the situation Scott and I were talking about what our baby was doing in heaven. Scott seems to think the baby is running the coconut shrimp shop because that is all I wanted for the 3 months I was pregnant. If that is the case, I want some coconut shrimp when I get to heaven!
There is a song that I am displaying above called "While I'm Waiting" I think it is a great way to display how we feel right now.
As I rolled out of bed this morning I peeked out the window to see the grass covered in snow. The roads were fine though, still drivable which I love. I went outside and just stood in the snow for a few minutes. It was still dark but as I closed my eyes and breathed in the air God has given me; God reminded me just as the snow is white and pure so is his love for me.
Then later on in the day the sun came out and the clouds were white and fluffy. It was so refreshing to have the heat beam down on my face. The picture below is what today reminded me of. My friend Mary Anne Morgan took this picture the day after our miscarriage and wrote about us on her blog. It displays that even in darkness God can still shine the light.
Ahh, that picture is so refreshing for me. For me the light in that picture is God and my husband. God has been working on my heart ever since last Friday. Mending me, rebreaking me, loving me etc. He has brought me comfort in every up and down emotion I have felt. My husband on the other hand has answered every question I have with love and compassion never once getting frustrated with me. Scott and I are so in love now more than ever. We have always loved each other so much but it is amazing how adversity brings you even closer together. He never left my side at the hospital except for when I went to surgery. The night we spent the night he sat next to my bed holding my hand all night long not sleeping once.
Tomorrow is one week since the miscarriage. It has gone by so fast yet so slow. I can't wait to see God's plan for our life and all he has in store for me.
Right now my fear is that I won't be able to get pregnant again. I know that fear comes from Satan and it is not from God. I know God knows the desires of my heart and will one day bless me. It is so easy to get caught up in the right here right now mindset. Waiting is the hardest part. For now we will pray, love on everyone around us, and wait for when God decides to give us a precious baby again.
I know that Baby Urbizo #1 (we decided not to give it a name) is in heaven watching down on us. It is kind of comforting knowing that a baby given to us from God is an angel looking down on our lives. In light of the situation Scott and I were talking about what our baby was doing in heaven. Scott seems to think the baby is running the coconut shrimp shop because that is all I wanted for the 3 months I was pregnant. If that is the case, I want some coconut shrimp when I get to heaven!
There is a song that I am displaying above called "While I'm Waiting" I think it is a great way to display how we feel right now.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Our Hearts and Heads Hang Low
I was going to not write about this experience in our life but I feel like right now that is the only thing that will help is if I put my feelings into words. This is probably going to be very hard for some of you to read so I apologize in advance. Friday morning Scott and I lost our most precious baby. I woke up early around 4:30 am to find myself bleeding everywhere. I knew in my heart of hearts something was not right. We immediately called the on call doctor and he told us to wait until 8am to go into the doctors office. He said it could be nothing so not to worry just yet. The next 3 hours seemed like an eternity. As soon as I walked into the doctors office God gave me the feeling to be prepared for the worst. As I laid on the ultrasound table I just closed my eyes and breathed deeply waiting to hear what was going on. All I remember is the nurse saying she was so sorry. There was our little baby on the screen just laying there with no heartbeat. The feeling that both Scott and I felt I can't even describe to you. He held me and I held him as we both just melted. We were supposed to be going in for our 12 week appointment and it was supposed to be a happy day not a day where we lost our baby.
What was about to come my heart was just not prepared for...Since I was pretty far along our best option was to get a D and C. We were scheduled immediately. Friday afternoon I was rolled into the OR to say goodbye to our sweet angel. Then Saturday when I woke up again the bleeding still was going strong. We were readmitted to the hospital for blood clots in my uterus. We were told Saturday they were going to have to do a repeat D and C. Our hearts and minds were just spinning in a million directions. We couldn't even process the loss of our child because we couldn't even get me well enough to go home. Finally, Sunday we were discharged.
I can't even begin to describe to you the pain we feel right now. I know so many people go through this loss. I honestly thought though since we heard a healthy heart beat and they told us we could go ahead and tell everyone we would be okay. I realize that God has a plan and his plan is the best plan. I know he loves both Scott and I. I know he will ultimately provide. BUT right now my heart feels stabbed and I just need help believing what I so many times encourage other people with.
From the minute we found out our baby did not have a heart beat the support we received was incredible. This baby was so loved that is for sure. We were held by at least 10 people at the doctors office including our amazing doctor who did not leave our side practically until Sunday. Every time I went into surgery she held my hand. She reassured me that God had a plan for me and not to worry. Most doctors would just treat this like a medical situation and not show any emotion. She shed tears with us, laughed with us, and answered every single question we presented her with. She was not only our doctor but a very good friend. Not only did she shed tears with us but so did everyone at the doctors office. It was amazing how much we were loved by all these people and it really touched our hearts. We also had TONS of friends and family surrounding us and lifting us up. From the minute I walked into the hospital my sister in law Catalina was by my side as well as my friend Laura. My mother in law was there as well just praying with me and holding me as I cried. We were there from 1 until 7 and they did not once leave Scott or I. Then when we got home that day we had all of our family including my friends Ashley and Laura and Scott's friends Chris and Chad with us. They brought us dinner, prayed over us, and made us laugh. Those weren't the only people though and there are too many to name. I just can not even tell you how much we appreciated all the love and support we received. It humbled us in a way I can't even describe.
For us for now we are just going to heal. The one thing that came of this whole thing was that we got to share our faith with over 50 people in the hospital that we came in contact with and our hope is that maybe God used this situation to bring one person closer to him. As much pain as we feel right now we know that only God and time will heal us. I keep asking why us? Why God? But I know better than that. I know God loves me and has my best interest in mind. I know he doesn't give me anything I can't handle. And I know that as long as I follow him he will bless my life.
What was about to come my heart was just not prepared for...Since I was pretty far along our best option was to get a D and C. We were scheduled immediately. Friday afternoon I was rolled into the OR to say goodbye to our sweet angel. Then Saturday when I woke up again the bleeding still was going strong. We were readmitted to the hospital for blood clots in my uterus. We were told Saturday they were going to have to do a repeat D and C. Our hearts and minds were just spinning in a million directions. We couldn't even process the loss of our child because we couldn't even get me well enough to go home. Finally, Sunday we were discharged.
I can't even begin to describe to you the pain we feel right now. I know so many people go through this loss. I honestly thought though since we heard a healthy heart beat and they told us we could go ahead and tell everyone we would be okay. I realize that God has a plan and his plan is the best plan. I know he loves both Scott and I. I know he will ultimately provide. BUT right now my heart feels stabbed and I just need help believing what I so many times encourage other people with.
From the minute we found out our baby did not have a heart beat the support we received was incredible. This baby was so loved that is for sure. We were held by at least 10 people at the doctors office including our amazing doctor who did not leave our side practically until Sunday. Every time I went into surgery she held my hand. She reassured me that God had a plan for me and not to worry. Most doctors would just treat this like a medical situation and not show any emotion. She shed tears with us, laughed with us, and answered every single question we presented her with. She was not only our doctor but a very good friend. Not only did she shed tears with us but so did everyone at the doctors office. It was amazing how much we were loved by all these people and it really touched our hearts. We also had TONS of friends and family surrounding us and lifting us up. From the minute I walked into the hospital my sister in law Catalina was by my side as well as my friend Laura. My mother in law was there as well just praying with me and holding me as I cried. We were there from 1 until 7 and they did not once leave Scott or I. Then when we got home that day we had all of our family including my friends Ashley and Laura and Scott's friends Chris and Chad with us. They brought us dinner, prayed over us, and made us laugh. Those weren't the only people though and there are too many to name. I just can not even tell you how much we appreciated all the love and support we received. It humbled us in a way I can't even describe.
For us for now we are just going to heal. The one thing that came of this whole thing was that we got to share our faith with over 50 people in the hospital that we came in contact with and our hope is that maybe God used this situation to bring one person closer to him. As much pain as we feel right now we know that only God and time will heal us. I keep asking why us? Why God? But I know better than that. I know God loves me and has my best interest in mind. I know he doesn't give me anything I can't handle. And I know that as long as I follow him he will bless my life.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Driving Home...
Some would say I have it bad with a 30 mile commute to school everyday in the good ole' Atlanta traffic! Well, it does stink some days but most days I am so thankful for it. I get tons of time to reflect, worship, and listen to the word. Well, today was an odd day. I got up at 4:30am went to boot camp with one of my best friends, went to school, went to the dentist, studied for a little while, then headed back to school for Kappa Epsilon initiation. I finally headed home around 7:00pm and there was still traffic!
Well, I got to thinking and reflecting. Tomorrow is our 12 week baby appointment. I am so nervous and excited! Generally in the morning and whenever I am in my car I sing to baby urbizo! He or She probably cringes at the sound of my voice. Tonight was especially revealing for me. I cried the whole entire way home which isn't a new thing for me lately. Everything makes me cry. The other night I cried at the Biggest Loser because they were all losing weight and I am gaining weight! haha
I keep thinking about how are Scott and I going to protect our precious baby from all this evil in the world. How am I going to be a good mother? How do I even make a bottle? What am I going to say to my baby when it asks me about life? As all these questions were running through my head one of my favorite songs came on the radio. I think it explains exactly what I need to tell our sweet baby.
It is called "These are the words I would say" by Sidewalk Prophets
I posted the song and the words on the post right before this one! Take time to listen to it! It will make you cry!
Well, I got to thinking and reflecting. Tomorrow is our 12 week baby appointment. I am so nervous and excited! Generally in the morning and whenever I am in my car I sing to baby urbizo! He or She probably cringes at the sound of my voice. Tonight was especially revealing for me. I cried the whole entire way home which isn't a new thing for me lately. Everything makes me cry. The other night I cried at the Biggest Loser because they were all losing weight and I am gaining weight! haha
I keep thinking about how are Scott and I going to protect our precious baby from all this evil in the world. How am I going to be a good mother? How do I even make a bottle? What am I going to say to my baby when it asks me about life? As all these questions were running through my head one of my favorite songs came on the radio. I think it explains exactly what I need to tell our sweet baby.
It is called "These are the words I would say" by Sidewalk Prophets
I posted the song and the words on the post right before this one! Take time to listen to it! It will make you cry!
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