Our Hearts and Heads Hang Low

I was going to not write about this experience in our life but I feel like right now that is the only thing that will help is if I put my feelings into words. This is probably going to be very hard for some of you to read so I apologize in advance. Friday morning Scott and I lost our most precious baby. I woke up early around 4:30 am to find myself bleeding everywhere. I knew in my heart of hearts something was not right. We immediately called the on call doctor and he told us to wait until 8am to go into the doctors office. He said it could be nothing so not to worry just yet. The next 3 hours seemed like an eternity. As soon as I walked into the doctors office God gave me the feeling to be prepared for the worst. As I laid on the ultrasound table I just closed my eyes and breathed deeply waiting to hear what was going on. All I remember is the nurse saying she was so sorry. There was our little baby on the screen just laying there with no heartbeat. The feeling that both Scott and I felt I can't even describe to you. He held me and I held him as we both just melted. We were supposed to be going in for our 12 week appointment and it was supposed to be a happy day not a day where we lost our baby.

What was about to come my heart was just not prepared for...Since I was pretty far along our best option was to get a D and C. We were scheduled immediately. Friday afternoon I was rolled into the OR to say goodbye to our sweet angel. Then Saturday when I woke up again the bleeding still was going strong. We were readmitted to the hospital for blood clots in my uterus. We were told Saturday they were going to have to do a repeat D and C. Our hearts and minds were just spinning in a million directions. We couldn't even process the loss of our child because we couldn't even get me well enough to go home. Finally, Sunday we were discharged.

I can't even begin to describe to you the pain we feel right now. I know so many people go through this loss. I honestly thought though since we heard a healthy heart beat and they told us we could go ahead and tell everyone we would be okay. I realize that God has a plan and his plan is the best plan. I know he loves both Scott and I. I know he will ultimately provide. BUT right now my heart feels stabbed and I just need help believing what I so many times encourage other people with.

From the minute we found out our baby did not have a heart beat the support we received was incredible. This baby was so loved that is for sure. We were held by at least 10 people at the doctors office including our amazing doctor who did not leave our side practically until Sunday. Every time I went into surgery she held my hand. She reassured me that God had a plan for me and not to worry. Most doctors would just treat this like a medical situation and not show any emotion. She shed tears with us, laughed with us, and answered every single question we presented her with. She was not only our doctor but a very good friend. Not only did she shed tears with us but so did everyone at the doctors office. It was amazing how much we were loved by all these people and it really touched our hearts. We also had TONS of friends and family surrounding us and lifting us up. From the minute I walked into the hospital my sister in law Catalina was by my side as well as my friend Laura. My mother in law was there as well just praying with me and holding me as I cried. We were there from 1 until 7 and they did not once leave Scott or I. Then when we got home that day we had all of our family including my friends Ashley and Laura and Scott's friends Chris and Chad with us. They brought us dinner, prayed over us, and made us laugh. Those weren't the only people though and there are too many to name. I just can not even tell you how much we appreciated all the love and support we received. It humbled us in a way I can't even describe.

For us for now we are just going to heal. The one thing that came of this whole thing was that we got to share our faith with over 50 people in the hospital that we came in contact with and our hope is that maybe God used this situation to bring one person closer to him. As much pain as we feel right now we know that only God and time will heal us. I keep asking why us? Why God? But I know better than that. I know God loves me and has my best interest in mind. I know he doesn't give me anything I can't handle. And I know that as long as I follow him he will bless my life.