Out of the Darkness

Up until June 7, 2011 I labelled myself daily as someone who had a miscarriage. I wore it on my heart, my sleeve, and I swear sometimes it was even written on my forehead. When I found out I was pregnant those feelings did not necessarily change. I worried DAILY...what if it happens again!? It haunted me in my prayers, my dreams, my conversations, and my marriage. Goodness the pain never stopped. It was like a knife sticking in my heart constantly and I couldn't get the wound to heal. It hasn't been an easy road these past 16 weeks. I have been such a hypocrite and I have had to ask for forgiveness daily for not trusting God fully, for fearing the future, and for trying to control the whole situation. When my friends come to me with prayer requests or their struggles my answer always comes back to trusting God with their lives, burdens, and struggles & here I was preaching this to friends & I couldn't even do it in my own life.

Then there was the complete other side of things. I struggled with a completely different ballgame. Since February 4 I have had about 6 friends miscarry as well as about 10 other people email me from my blog postings about their miscarriages. Oh it hurt my heart. It was like God gave me my own little "miscarriage" club. It never was fun. The conversations were full of tears, doubt, pain, and anger. Then when I became pregnant again I didn't know what to do. I wanted to still love on these women and help them through this time in their lives. I wanted to remain sensitive because I knew what they were going through. I knew they would be so happy for me but also deep in their hearts & souls they would feel a sting. And then they would revisit the same questions I revisited so many times...When will it happen to me?

This is hard stuff. But one thing that remained constant the whole time was God. Even on days when I felt like I had no one I could pray and know that God was for me. I always went back to the image of the cross of selflessness. That God loved me so incredibly much that he gave his son to die on the cross for me and for my sins. He loves me that much and I get to spend eternity with him! Ahh that gives me chills!

I was reminded last night of a song from a friends blog. I posted this song a while ago but I just think it is so great and it speaks right to this time in my life. Enjoy!

"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn." Psalm 18: 32-36